Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
