just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
