I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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