Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
