Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
