I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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