Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
