If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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