If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
