woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
