woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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