i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
