is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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