you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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