Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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