dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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