but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
