i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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