Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
