Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
