Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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