Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
