fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
