new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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