how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
