Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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