Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
