I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
