totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
