Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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