Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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