john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's the barista slut.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
