and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
