He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
