The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
