hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
