The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
