she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
