The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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