Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
