when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
