I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
