i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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