He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
