I feel great
I just peed on a car
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
