just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
