I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
