i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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