I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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