I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
